Especially noteworthy in times of crisis/disaster for survivors is the inability to grieve losses to completion. The "tunnel of grief" has four sequential stations:
- shock & denial;
- anger and/or fear/bargaining;
- sadness; and,
- acceptance and/or gratitude.
Inability to grieve means that with each need-to-let-go situation one gets "stuck" in one of the stations and never reaches the last stage, that of acceptance. This inability to grieve adds more pain than necessary to an already difficult process. Disasters of the proportions that happen in tornadoes, earthquakes, or the terrorism that just happened in New York, Pennsylvania, and at the Pentagon, create a massive and overwhelming need to grieve to completion. Inability to grieve to completion is usually caused by ignorance of the process or resistance to it, and explains why many survivors may be stuck in perpetual states of shock, denial, anger, fear, and/or sadness.
The Tunnel of Grief
Denial/Shock/Numbness —> Anger/Guilt —> Sadness/Emptiness —> Gratitude/Acceptance
We can quickly learn about the tunnel of grief by utilizing our own experience. Take a moment and clear your mind and consider in which stage of grief you may be stuck.
Stage 1: Shock/Denial/Numbness
Are you still "numb"? Do you say, "I can't bear to think about it" or "I cannot believe it"? Do you have difficulty in remembering it? Does it seem faint and far away? Does your mind have trouble focusing? Do you feel "wrapped in a haze"?
Stage 2: Anger/Guilt
Are you resentful? Do you feel cheated or as if something precious was taken from you? Could it be that you really need to feel anger but won't let yourself because it may appear selfish, embarrassing, or futile? Or do you feel angry at yourself (guilt) for not doing all you feel you should have done?
Stage 3: Sadness/Emptiness
Are you "depressed" about it? Feel the need to cry about it? Inconsolable? Hurt? Empty? Lost? Lonely? Exhausted?
Stage 4: Gratitude/Acceptance
Are you beginning to see how you benefited from the experience, person, or thing from which you are now separated? Do you feel peaceful or pleasant when you remember? Do you have insight as to how that experience/person/thing has helped you to cope better with your life today?
Know that if the separation was highly traumatic, such as in times of crisis or disaster, you may need to go through the tunnel of the same event more than once in order to peel the internal layers of the tunnel. It is comforting to know that each layer is easier and faster than the previous one. One day, when you have completely "cored out" the tunnel, it will vanish leaving only understanding, nostalgia and gratitude.
There are six helpful things to remember while in the middle of the grieving process:
- It is natural, healthy, and necessary to grieve the many separations we must pass through in our lifetime. In times of disaster this all comes at us in a rush, and makes it even more necessary to grieve effectively.
- It is very helpful to breathe in nice slow circles with a relaxed exhale when experiencing grief. This type of breathing allows the body to surrender to the truth of your emotions which is essential in grief work.
- Know in your heart that this pain is temporary - that it will pass, contrary to the feeling that it seems endless.
- Grief time is spiritual time. It is a perfect time to call upon the resource of your faiths, whether that is your religious faith, your spiritual practices, or your support groups. Make an extra effort to find solace in that faith source.
- Grief time is a time to reach out to each other. Make an extra effort to talk and feel with friends, family and colleagues. Sitting alone is not the answer in times of crisis and tragedy, and it could be the worst thing to do since one's personal needs have no way to be reflected or processed.
- Loss eventually brings meaning if grief work is taken to completion. The first question we always ask in times of sudden loss is "Why?" which is our deep need to understand or find meaning in such a terrible event. By being willing to go through the tunnel of grief we can be reassured that we will eventually find the meaning of it all.
The grief process is about becoming honest and taking responsibility for our emotional lives. Successful grief work liberates us from events that trap us in emotional quicksand, and allows us to ride easy in the saddle of the present, and promotes enthusiasm, strength, and courage about our ability to handle whatever the future may bring.
[The above is excerpted in part from Resolving Unfinished Business and in part from Living a Stress Free Life, by Anthony Dallmann-Jones]
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