 Most often people are brought to their knees before they are able to change. If one truly is tired of one's situation enough, waiting until the state of desperation arrives is not really necessary. All it takes, first and foremost, is the WILLINGNESS to take time to reflect upon one's situation, learn of the Tools of Change, then persist in applying them. This is not BS.
Most of us change via a vehicle called waiting. We wait until discomfort moves us to change. It can be just stiffness in your back — so you readjust the way you are sitting. Your job has become so hateful that you begin to look through the want ads. Your spouse uses an expression just that ONE MORE TIME and you blow up. Your day is boring, you seek entertainment.
Yes, that is the way most people change. They wait until they are uncomfortable, and then take action.
- Q: But what kind of action?
- A: Action to avoid pain/discomfort.
That becomes a life pattern. And it gradually becomes habitual, so our whole life is spent reacting to discomfort rather than taking action to carve our our lives the way we want it. (Don't say it: "Nice thought, Doctor Zest, but it can't be true in my case.") Oh yeah? Well, what makes you so different?! Of course it applies to you! And me, and him, and her, and the whole thing called the human race. That is what sets us off from the other animals. We can act before discomfort! Why should we? Good question. I will tell you a short and true story from my days as a personal counselor.
Ethel called me for an appointment, Her voice was thin, reedy and quavering — like she was ready to cry at any second. My heart went out to her, and I got her in on my lunch hour with the understanding that we had to eat while talking, so bring her lunch! That was the only way I could see her that week. She just brought Ethel, as one would imagine. Did not want half my cheese sandwich that I offered. Ethel began to talk in that same thin, wavering voice. This voice of hers was not an exception. She talked like that all the time! Just like she was constantly on the verge of tears. She had become so habituated to talking this way she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.
Ethel had been married to an active alcoholic for 25 years. A quarter of a century living with a man whose life was centered around booze...not around her. She said to me in a session one of the saddest things I have ever heard in my counseling career: "This is not what I had planned for my life.I never dreamed I would spend all my time with a drunk. Now I am almost 50 and look in the mirror and hardly recognize me anymore."
She looked 70. She was 48 years old.
End of story for this point. I could have been cruel by asking a very legitimate question: "Why did you let this happen to you?" It is not a question you ask on the first day of counseling. First, it IS cruel, despite being about as poignant as you can be. She will have to build up readiness for that question. Secondly, I knew her answer. I don't know. I heard that from my clients — almost every one of them. I don't know. I am clueless as to what has ruined my life. I don't know. Now come on! Of course you know the answer: You rolled over and played dead! You refused to take action. One cannot be faulted for that. We watched our passive parents reacting to pain. We did it all the way up to 22 when we married the "party boy" — "He was such fun!" and kept on reacting, narrowing our world down gradually until all that was left was suffering through each day. It was the only tool we had: Waiting.
Were I to write a perfect book on the healthy life it would be titled with one word: Choices. It would be about the art of choosing. It is actually an art as well as a science. The art is very real. The art of sculpting that thing called Your Life.
What is there to choose? First off, tools. You need tools to change your life. You need tools to choose.
ZESTOID: You must choose the tools to use to change your life, rather than just waiting to react to discomfort/pain.
Start by reading the article on Primary Domino Thinking — it is the most powerful tool you will EVER have!
Read it, learn it. Play with it. I'll be back and we will take the next step.
Continue...
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