There are five compartments in the dynamic stress management "toolbox":
- Mental Tools
- Physical Tools
- Emotional Tools
- Social Tools, and the
- Secret Compartment, to be revealed later.
Remember that whenever you artificially break things into specific categories, in reality, there is always a "crossing over" between categories. For example, how can you truly separate "social" experiences from "physical" or "emotional" ones? I construct the book in compartments only to facilitate some type of order and cohesiveness. After you follow my advice in the next paragraph they will all blend together naturally, as they should. After all, stress is often not predictable, so you need to carry all your life management tools with you at all times. Be ready, Grasshoppa!
My advice is to read each tool in each compartment carefully — experiment with it after reading it — then look for opportunities to use it in "real life" (there is usually no shortage of these opportunities!) and continue field-testing it until it has proven itself "under-fire." Persistent use of any tool will facilitate it becoming automatically available when needed. It takes about 30 days of practice to automate a tool/skill.
Mental Tools to Banish Stress
Locus of Control
Limits & Boundaries
Power
Your mind is your greatest ally and your greatest enemy. Ironic that the very part of you that can solve problems, make healthy decisions and generally assist in bettering your life, can turn on you like a junkyard dog.
There is no doubt that negative past experiences, poor habit patterns, and bad role models have determined some of your current programming that's not in your best interests. There is not one GOOD reason (plenty of bad ones) why new decisions cannot redetermine your future programming more healthfully.
Shortcut: Acceptance
There is a very complete and compatible Eastern approach to quickly resolving a lot of stress, and it allows us to keep our opinions and attachments which we hold so dear! A good name for this method might be Delayed Begrudging Acceptance. It consists simply of stepping back a level and saying: "I may not like things the way they are, but that's okay because..." [You fill in the blank.] — because I'm going to do something about it — because I can't do anything about it — because there are more important things on my mind — etc. etc. In other words, we end up accepting the greater picture, which includes our current determination not to approve of some of the particulars, as well as our many past disapprovals. Stated more positively: we choose to enjoy, embrace or love it all (the good, the bad and the ugly) including even our desire to hate some of it and our experience of feeling displeasure with some of it.
This, in a nutshell, is the intellectual version of the resolution of all stress. And it gets easier as time goes on. For stress or "negativity" to persist in our lives, we must continually: a) insist on (choose over and over) our non-acceptance at all times on all levels; or, b) make a conscious rejection and then "finalize" it by forgetting/suppressing it.
If ever we admit that at some level a particular stressor is okay then, while the problem may still remain, the stress associated with the problem will begin to disappear. The reason is: our problems don't create our stress. We create our own stress by, first, not accepting our problems and ,then, by insisting that we find no pleasure, benefit, solace or redeeming value in them.
Your Locus of Control
Locus comes from the Latin word for place. In a human, locus of control denotes where the source of one's power is felt to be located. If you have an internal locus of control you see a high correlation between your choices and the outcomes in your life. If you have an external locus of control, you see little correlation between your choices and the outcomes in your life.
External Locus
of Control |
Internal Locus
of Control |
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Empowerment —> |
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:‑( Victim; irresponsible;
:‑( Unhealthy and dependent;
:‑( Little ability to do anything but suffer/hope or enjoy handouts.
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:‑) Empowered; responsible;
:‑) Healthy;
:‑) Ability to make good things occur and fully enjoy the results
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Empowerment is the process of moving from an external locus of control to an internal locus of control. It denotes actualization of the potentiality of the person to self-design his/her world.
Limits and Boundaries
Make it one of your goals to realize you have an internal locus of control, because the truth is you really do! You establish your locus of control best by deliberately choosing to set healthy limits and boundaries. Limits are how far you will let yourself go. Boundaries are how far you will let other people go.
Examples of limits:
- "I am going to walk two miles today."
- "I will do the dishes later."
- "I will refrain from using profanity."
- "I will not call Bill today."
- "I am going to eat 2200 calories today."
- "I will rest and relax all day Sunday."
- "I will obey the Scout Law."
Examples of boundaries:
- "You can't talk to me that way."
- "No, you cannot borrow $5, because you never repay me when you say you will."
- "You can touch me, but not like that."
- "You kids will have to fix your own lunch today."
- "I won't tolerate sexual innuendoes from you."
- "Please don't call me anymore."
- "Please don't let your dog come into my yard."
Power
Power is an odd thing. If you believe you have it, you do, and if you believe you don't, you don't! Most people wish they had more power. But almost everyone fails to realize the truth about the source of that power, which makes the power impossible to find!
All of your power comes from within.
You do not have to go anywhere, or to anyone, or buy anything, to have more power - you already have it! Your issue with power is not finding it, but in effectively using what you already have. In other words, it is a delusion (an untruth that is believed to be true) that you are powerless. Humans with an external locus of control are living a delusional existence...no wonder they feel so anxious! This truth does make the job of empowerment a lot easier than if you had to locate power somewhere "out there." You must, however, be willing to uncover the power you do have. What hampers you from knowing your true power?
The remaining chapters in this section will offer you some mental empowerment tools that will change your life.
Continue...
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