Primary Domino Thinking — Step Two: Exploration of the Problem or Issue
Problems that are correctly assessed do not remain problems for very long. If a problem hangs around for awhile, it's a good bet that it has been inaccurately assessed. This is usually true because: a CORRECTLY stated problem has a built-in solution! And you, being fairly smart, would have immediately taken steps to solve the problem as you have always done, e.g.,
Problem: I'm hungry because it has been five hours since I have eaten food.
Solution: Eat some food.
For many of my clients, once the problem was clarified our work together was finished, and they went off confidently to do what they knew clearly had to be done. Much of my work as an educator and psychotherapist has been that of a problem-clarifier rather than a problem-solver. Most of us know what to do if we just clearly know what it is that needs doing for. Never underestimate the power of clarification. Most jump to conclusions and never take time to clarify with such simple self-aimed questions as, Is that REALLY the problem? I spent time rephrasing the initial problem statement — sometimes a lot of time — until both the client and I could agree that we were very clear on exactly what the problem was.
Would an example be helpful? Okey dokey.
Client (in answer to what is the problem): "My kids drive me crazy."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Client: "They are like Indians!"
Me (being part Cherokee): "Which tribe?"
Client: "Huh?"
Me: "Which tribe of Indians? See, the Apache were plains Indians and were fierce fighting Indians, whereas the Choctaw were rural Indians and farmed, then the Blackfeet were..."
Client (now realizing they were being unclear and misleading because of my astounding witty comebacks): "Well, no, not Indian Indians, they are like jumping around and yelling and not listening to what I want them to do."
Me: "Oh, so they don't listen to you?"
Client: "Yes, that is it. They won't obey... or even care if they are creating all this trouble for me."
Me: "Trouble? What kind of trouble?"
Client: "Well, I work second shift and I only have a couple of hours from the time they get home until I have to go to work, and they need to listen as I am trying to give them dinner instructions, and asking them to clean their rooms and things while I am gone. Things like that."
Me: "And they are just excited to be home from school and want to let off some steam and play and be generally rambunctious?"
Client: "Yeah."
Me: "So we need to find a way for you to communicate during this small window of time you have with them?"
Client: "Yeah, and on the weekends they just..."
Me, interrupting: "Well, let's just deal with one Indian problem at a time, shall we? Let's just focus on solving the issue of how to make this two hour window more effective for you and for them?"
Client: "Oh, sure, OK."
Take time to clarify. Do away with the metaphors, etc., and state it clearly, then work on just ONE PROBLEM AT A TIME.
There are many ways we trick ourselves into being ineffective. Here are the biggies when it comes to problems with clarification.
Foggy Stressors
Misidentifying the Owner of the Problem
People often identify stressors correctly, but misidentify the true owner of the problem, e.g., "It drives me nuts when your room is a mess... what's wrong with you!" It makes you feel and even appear less than sane when you are trying to own and solve somebody else's stressor. This is a very common dilemma. NOMB should be a constant reminder to, first, only take on what is YOUR business and, secondly, STOP and take time to restate the problem clearly!
A client of mine had a female friend with compulsive behaviors that he kept trying to fix by pointing out her problems, giving her articles to read, arguing with her, manipulating situations, and even speaking with professionals on her behalf. Her compulsions worsened. His response was to redouble his efforts. This strategy created even more compulsive energy until the woman was eventually spending over eight hours a day in her behavior. He had misidentified his problem as her behavior, which left him with no recourse but to continue his unsuccessful efforts at controlling her with shame, guilt and pressure. Against both their desires the relationship, due to overwhelming frustration, wound up as an abusive one.
At issue was: To whom does the problem behavior belong? The answer was apparent: Her behavior was her issue and hers alone. His problem was ignorance in knowing how to productively associate with a loved one burdened by compulsive behaviors. Once this realization became internalized by each of them, they were free to concentrate their energies on solutions that would actually work.
Ignorance & Stubbornness
Major internal blocks to solving problems often boil down to some combination of ignorance and/or stubbornness. Either a person doesn't have enough knowledge about the problem and/or its solution (ignorance), or when the needed knowledge is obtained, the person is unyielding in an old pattern and refuses to apply what could work (stubbornness).
Many humans are more concerned with being right about not changing destructive patterns than being healthy and happy. Strange as it may seem, people have many times chosen to die rather than change.
Many people actually die of "terminal righteousness" for no other reason than they are too stubborn to change their unhealthy ways of thinking.
What is "ignorance"?
Ignorance in a particular situation means a lack of internal tools and skills (information and processes) to modify that situation. It is in your best interests to have enough humility (knowing your current limits) and willingness (motivation) to continually expand your knowledge base. Stressors present the opportunity and motivation to do just this (providing a good reason for you to be grateful for the next stressor that you are fortunate enough to have come your way!). Each problem solved expands your repertoire of skill and tools and increases your chances for success in the next problem arena, and so on and so on, exponentially.
In other words, sometimes it behooves you to learn, in the classic sense, about a problem by reading, asking, pondering, researching, digging, and absorbing. Not to worry: If you don't have the necessary motivation to seek out new information, Step 4 will often create that drive in you, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere.
Step Two of Primary Domino Thinking is an assessment phase where precision begins to play a critical role in effective stress management. Realize that if the key area of concern cannot be accurately pinpointed, you are left with an ineffective strategy akin to shooting at noises in the dark or, worse still, shooting at the wrong target in the light. You will hit something but more than likely not the right solution. Understand: This is one of the biggest reasons why people keep their problems and complain about them over and over and over. Think about people you know, and you can probably name them by the problems they have:
"Aunt Gertie is always talking about how sick she is."
"Uncle Shishkabob is always complaining about how broke he is."
"Julie is always saying, 'I will never find a good man.' "
"Bill is always late and blames it on being so disorganized."
"Marty is always talking about her weight and diets."
People develop whole personality facets around their problems. They become known by them. And they seem NEVER to find a solution! Impossible for Auntie, Uncle, Julie, Bill and Marty? No, of course not. How do we know? Because people not near as smart as they are have not only handled those same issues, but have solved them! It can be done. It has been done. No doubt these five people could be victims of foggy stressors.
These strategies of random-shooting and wrong-targeting are, of course, the most often used approaches to problem-solving. This explains why many problems are never satisfactorily solved.
Wrong-Targeting
It is interestingly tragic how people can be so snappy in coming up with 'solutions' that do not work and how slow they can be to realize they do not work. My theory is that, sadly, many proposed 'solutions' are actually just poor attempts at explanation. These poor explanations become futile attempts to solve a dilemma. For example,
- "I don't feel good about my finances, but I just can't stop spending."
- "I can't find peace because my neighbors drive me crazy."
- "My interest in spirituality is lagging — churches are filled with only pseudo-Christians these days!"
Notice how externally located the implied solutions are in those explanations:
- Spending controls how I feel.
- The neighbors are in charge of how peaceful I can feel.
- Others are in charge of my spiritual development.
If you locate potential cures for your problems 'out there' the results will more than likely be zero. Problems are usually not 'out there' and, if they were, the solution would probably be obvious.
Most problems are located within.
Believing anything other than this is almost always a circumstance of wrong-targeting. Disowning a stressor leaves one powerless to do anything reasonable and workable about it. It is no wonder people acting to solve their problems on the basis of constant misdiagnosis begin to feel, and even appear, nutty. As a good graphic representation of this, imagine what would happen if you dropped a brick on your foot but for some reason located the pain in your right ear. There you are hobbling around looking for ear treatment, trying to convince everyone (and yourself) that there really is a problem with your ear. Take a few minutes and a pencil and see if you can relate this to anything in your life.
Dishonesty
The origin of a stressor is often clouded by lack of honesty. Real integrity is rare. Lack of integrity — or inaccurate or incomplete disclosure — exists because of fear-filled childhood experiences of being punished for being honest. Fear of honesty is based upon a belief that "If the truth becomes known, I will suffer in some way." By the time humans have reached adulthood they have seen ample proof of this, and have evolved elaborate schemes to fool others — and themselves! I have done it. You have done it. We have all done it!
It is unfortunate that children often get punished for just being kids. All child abuse and neglect is perceived by children as a message that says "You are not good enough the way you are." A child's fear and/or willingness to please is their first sacrifice of integrity: "I shall pretend to be (think/feel/do) someone I am not." Children are reinforced in this strategy by the subsequent withdrawal of the punishment or even by being rewarded with a smile, a goody, or a loving touch, thus imbedding their strategy of sacrificing integrity for the sake of relieving pain or gaining reward. It worked then — and it may have even been seen as the only way to survive — and it still works just well enough for adults treating each other and themselves like children to reinforce itself. But nothing works as well as honesty!
Now that we are adults we can lay aside deceptive childhood strategies for surviving and being loved, and we will be safe.
Oh, you may get a few raised eyebrows because you suddenly get honest, since people will probably notice a definite change in you. But I haven't heard of anyone being killed by a raised eyebrow!
We must exhibit here in Step 2 the same willingness that we utilized in Step 1 to passionately possess the problem. Now we must answer the question: "Honestly, just what is the real problem here?" Refuse to accept your own snappy answers. If you instantly feel you have the answer to an ongoing problem, that's probably not the answer. Be willing to get even more honest — and more honest still.
Be honest: Maybe you don't really want a solution!
One can only begin to wonder if there isn't a hidden investment in non-solution in some cases. For example, parents who continually find things to criticize in their children may have a need to have power over something they can control. So, it really won't matter how much the kids improve, there will be no end to the criticism. The source of the tirades may be the real problem and not the child's spotlighted behavior.
Consider people who continually worry over things but never do anything about it except worry some more even when a way out is offered. Maybe they don't really want a solution to this stressor. Perhaps there is a pay-off in non-solution, such as getting attention, or feeding a really bad habit of self-pitying.
Self-pity is one of the most destructive practices to a self-actualizing life known to humankind!
Self-pity is often at the root of most addictions, compulsive behaviors, and violence.
Lack of Focus
Sounds redundant to say that you can have lack of clarity about a stressor due to lack of focus, but here I am talking about a deliberate strategy of non-focusing. Reliable identification of a problem mandates a willingness to focus on the problem — to be with the problem — to get close enough to the problem to notice how it ticks. This means rejecting avoidance strategies such as ignoring, daydreaming, fantasizing, medicating with the ingestion of food/alcohol/ nicotine/drugs/etc., changing the subject, quick dispensation, "ozoning," "problem-hopping," or compulsive habits.
Wow, Coach, if you're going to take away all those customary and comfortable patterns of avoidance, what's left?
Instead, sit quietly with an assessment mentality while doing Conscious Connected Breathing and you will eventually know what you need to know. Have faith in the ability of this simple strategy. It is easy and effective.
[I keep talking about this Conscious Connected Breathing, don't I? There will be a chapter on this (very) important and useful skill later. For now, just close your eyes, and breathe deeply and in a circle, relaxing the exhale. Big slow breaths.]
What if the problem really isn't yours?
Back in Step 1 you assumed possession of a problem passionately in order to get close enough to determine not only clearly what the problem was, but also true ownership of the problem. Upon further investigation in Step 2 it may be discovered that you actually do not own the problem formerly possessed in Step 1. If this is true, a solution known as 'giving it back' could now be instituted.
Giving back problems that don't belong to you
Giving it back is a proactive mindset that provides significant mental relief and liberates you to get on with important things in your life that you can do something about.
Giving it back is the security of, once and for all, knowing that an issue is truly no longer your problem. This allows you to lift the burden from your shoulders and to walk away free of the necessity of finding a solution.
Giving it back is primarily a conscious internal decision, but you can also formally and verbally give it back. This means engaging the person and informing them that:
"This issue about _______ is not MY problem — it could be YOURS. I am personally through with it."
Use these words pretty much verbatim in person, via mail, or telephone.
If they do not accept the problem, that is not your problem either! But if you have to live or work with that person, then you may experience the challenge of learning to live with someone that has a problem and denies/avoids it. If you let their ineptitude at problem ownership bother you, then THIS becomes your problem, but this is much, much easier to handle than attempting to solve a problem that wasn't yours in the first place!
Attempting to solve someone else's problem is as futile as trying to convince your mother that you are indeed now grown up.
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