|
|
The Terrorism of Expectations
The only reason
I am upset is because
I had the audacity to think
I should know what happens next.
—Anthony S. Dallmann-Jones, PhD
There is no doubt in my mind that we each actually create our own reality or, at the very least, are co-creative.* How else can you explain two people facing the same experience and having two different perceptions, reactions, and even aftereffects from that experience? What this means is that we may be partners in creating our reality as we live it. A second big question then arises: Co-creator with whom or what? Well, it is up to you to answer that, and answer it you should if you are to have solidarity in life. This is what we call the spiritual question. Particular religions tell you what/who the answer is. Spirituality begins where religion leaves off and defines your very personal relationship with a deeply held conviction of with whom/what you are co-creating. Some answers besides God and the usual deities that might fascinate you: I co-create with my past programming (habits), other people, forces of nature, spirits, intuition, my horoscope, money, luck, etc. What is important is for you to come up with your own answer. The chapter on the secret compartment will help with this if you need it.
Expectations are very audacious on our part. Expectations are evaluations — whether conscious or unconscious — that a person forms of oneself, another person, an event, and/or experience which lead the evaluator to then assume that the evaluation (often made on a whim) is valid. A person doing expecting then anticipates that the experience will turn out consistent with the evaluation-expectations, and then acts and feels accordingly. Since most of us are fairly poor predictors of what will happen next, it is indeed audacious, if not silly, to assume we can accurately forecast the future. Of course, that never stops us from trying!
Expectations of the Self
There could be a book written on this very topic, perhaps even a 3 or 4 volume set! But, I promised a quick read which will work, so hold onto your socks or whatever is covering your feet right now.
What has expectations of the self got to do with stress? Well, let me ask you a question: If you were totally confident that everything you thought, said or did was as perfect as it could be, would you have any stress? Not much, right? So, a lot of your internal stress derives from you "not measuring up" to your own expectations. It will help to understand from whence these beat-yourself-up expectations originate.
You were born perfect. Trust me on this. That's why we call the newborn a pristine self. All babies are born perfect, and fully programmed to accept without hesitation all the nurturing and cherishing offered. There is only one message they fully thrive on, and that is the caretakers' behaviors that say, "Child, you are just wonderful the way you are." Babies are not equipped to handle in a productive fashion anything short of that. We come into life prepared to feed off physical and emotional affirmation with only two questions about ourselves: 1) Who am I?; and, 2) How do I do it?
Most of us rely on our immediate caregivers (usually our parents) to not only give us the unconditional love and nurturing but to answer these questions by merely reflecting back to us what we are. We are not equipped to handle anything short of this. So, when we are neglected, punished, abused, or told warped things about ourselves, we go haywire. We come up with some zany reactions, some of which turn into strategies for handling the pain of rejection.
We have strategies that become part of our identity and, then, expectations for ourselves. There's a ton of them: whining, meanness, depression, self-pity, fear of failure syndrome (always quit before you succeed), numbness, fantasizing, compulsions, trancing-out, rebellion, conformity, and on and on ad infinitum. These defense mechanisms get solidified like armor into our personalities. And they are not us no matter how much they feel like it! We forget who we truly are.
We develop what Freud called the ego ideal (how we should be if we were perfect) and then run around measuring ourselves against it and constantly coming up short. Of course, this ego ideal is usually a weird blueprint made up of a hodgepodge of fun-house mirror feedback from people who rejected us as we were — already perfect — setting up a standard that was for someone else (perhaps themselves) but definitely outside our range at the time. This is why, according to psychologists, that as adults 85%-90% of our "self-talk" inner dialogue is negative! We are constantly berating ourselves to measure up! (See section on Old Recordings.)
Human Development of the SELF
This chart begins at the bottom with the baby's birth — a pure being that even smells sweet. Then it begins its journey accumulating layers at the hands of authority figures. The child accumulates layer upon layer of characteristics, self-conceptualization, evaluations of ones characteristics, a false picture of the ideal person the child should/could be, and from there grow the stages to the underlying factors of success — the one thing we all want and judge one another by. This chart, upon studying, will show you where much of your stress comes from and where intervention can take place towards reformation of false inner pictures and judgements.
The Blueprint of Self-Esteem
Why It Is Important & Where It Can Be Altered
Low ← Success Potential Crystallized → High
↑
Low ← Self-Confidence Crystallized → High
↑
Low ← Self-Esteem Crystallized → High
↑
Ego-Ideal Established
↓ ↑ *
Identity Formed
↑
+'s and -'s of Characteristics Internalized
↑
Characteristics Evaluated by Significant Others
↑
Self-Concept Formed
↑
Characteristics Highlighted by Significant Others
↑
Who Am I? & How Do I Do It?
↑
Pristine Self
[Begin Here]
* For most people this dynamic dialogue, once established, continues until death. Significant others give us a Holiday Gift that keeps on ticking. You have developed two "pictures" of yourself: One is the "real you" as you know it to be, and the other is the "ideal you" that parents, grandparents, school, teachers, preachers, doctors, authoritative people and a kid's heroes (whether a cartoon figure or a rock star) have told you what is good/correct/proper/cool. You continue this internal dialogue daily. I should be punctual. I ought to be more slim. I must stop swearing. If I am going to be a REAL MAN I better . In other words it is all about comparing what is with what should be: if I am a good wife/mother/husband/father/employee/Christian/Buddhist/Muslim/etc. etc. etc., I should do/be/try/say/think/etc. FFrom the two perches of the Real Self and the Ideal Self a dynamic dialogue goes on and on and on. Some say, "It is 'Good' we have that Ideal Figure... otherwise we would not be motivated to improve." I say that is simply just not true. What do you think? AND one never questions whether the authority figures who imprinted all that on your brain knew the difference between their rear end and a rat hole. Some of us as children were exposed to some of the sorriest people in shaping our IDEAL Self — and those messages imprison us forever. On the other hand, sometimes we luck out and get imprinted with recordings that say we are GOOD just as we are.
Due to culture, family issues, parental unfinished business, personal preferences, etc., only certain of our characteristics as children are highlighted by our significant others. Those chosen for evaluation are quickly labeled within the typical "good" and "bad" categories to various degrees from "Naughty, naughty, Honey." all the way up (or down) to "You'll burn in hell forever for that one, Buster!"
I was in a supermarket just the other day as a woman discovered an acquaintance with her newborn lying in a cart. She rushes up with the appropriate oohs and ahhs, a couple of cursory questions about when the child was born, etc., then looks at the baby and says to the Mom, "Is he a good baby?" The mother responds, "Ooh, yes, he's a good baby." I'm thinking to myself, "How bad can a 7-day old be?"
But I am glad I saw this happening during the course of writing this very chapter. It makes my point so clearly about just how early — before we even can know it's going on — we get these crazy labels stuck on us. Crazy though they may be, these labels are very very powerful in running our lives, and determining our stress and our success.
Once this identity and ego-ideal are formed they feed off one another establishing not only a stress-producing inner dialogue, but also a flight plan for one's self-esteem, which determines one's confidence which then determines one's success opportunities.
This, in a nutshell, is the whole story of how you came to be, and why you have the trajectory in life that you have. Please remember that we condensed three volumes into three pages, but in essence this is it, dear one. With just a little reflection you can see the truth of where your self-expectations were adopted from (at first without your permission) and how they continue to be like a stick applied (self-induced stress) to some part of your mind-body when you fail to "measure up." THIS is why we are often our own worst enemy.
If you are relating to this, you must turn it around to your advantage by restoring yourself to your rightful identity. You see, there is no such thing as "high self-esteem" — there is only the self-esteem you were born with: healthy self-esteem. And you have never lost it, you have just had it covered up with a lot of other people's judgments that have: a) accepted as truth; and, b) reinforced through trying to live down to it all these years.
Without getting all bent out of shape about it, just think of it as misguided people trying to help you and, at the very least, giving you a set of training wheels to get this far. But, like the leg braces on Forrest Gump, you don't need them anymore, and now you have the time and resources (but do you have the willingness?) to start recovering by uncovering the real you and celebrating that pristine self that has been hidden all these years.
No more beating yourself up with those bogus expectations, OK?
While it's fresh on your mind, write some insights about yourself derived from this section.
Expectations of Others
I am tempted to get so short and sweet on this section that it would sound trite, but it really isn't. Let's try it. About expectations of others: Don't have any!
Let me back that up a little — again shortening a volume down to a few paragraphs. As you are beginning to see, one of the job descriptions of a 21st Century personal coach is to research and develop transformational vehicles and condense all the material and processes down to the essentials, along with some Q&D explanations.
Eight Reasons Why You Shouldn't Have Expectations of Others
- You don't have the right to do so because expectations are like handcuffs and, after all, this is the land of the free and the home of the brave.
- You can't trust people to live up to expectations anyway, because they are too busy with their own agendas just like you are.
- Don't you have enough to do without parenting someone else?
- You set yourself up for a lot (a lot!) of disappointment.
- It takes all the fun & surprise out of what people might do next.
- People will hate you for putting more pressure on them than they already have.
- You aren't a fortune teller.
- You have much better things to do with your valuable energy and time — like focusing on your mission (that you will soon develop).
It puts a whole new sparkle on life when you just have no assumptions about what people might do next, and don't even care. You can afford to feel this way when you realize that your mission in life is dependent only upon your own crystal clear sense of direction and personal efforts, i.e., you don't need anyone else. Now, is that a liberating feeling or what? You have not only just cut loose everyone else you are going to meet from now on, including old acquaintances, but yourself as well. Nice.
While this is fresh on your mind, write down some ways you shackle other people to yourself with expectations, thus possibly hindering both of you.
[Note: When I talk about letting go of expectations of others: I am not talking about letting people out of "contractual arrangements." When you hire someone for services, or if you are in a relationship where you have invested your heart (of which you only have one, as far as I know) then responsibility to live up to that contract is reasonably expected. This is called accountability and is an important part of any social or work contract. What does create undue stress is assuming others have committed to a contract with you when they consciously have not. Big difference.]
Expectations of Experiences
Experiences can never be contractually insured (darn it!), though all the deities know we try! Experiences pop up out of a mysterious Pez dispenser, where one is lemon-lime and the next is lemon-lime, and then, lo, what-the-heck, here's a tutti frutti! A lot of what I pointed out about expectations of other people applies here, doesn't it? Again, you set yourself up for a lot of disappointments, you take the surprise out of life, and you basically handcuff yourself, by trying to "hold life hostage" to your set of expectations.
- Q: You know what the BIG reason is for not having expectations of experiences?
- A: It is silly and unnecessary.
Why it is silly to hold the feet of life experiences to the fire of expectations? Because it is like trying to push a chain uphill. It just doesn't work! Oh, I know a lot of us grew up thinking that our expectations kind of forced life to deliver what we wanted or needed, but that isn't the way it works. Delivery comes without the expectations.
Don't believe your personal coach? Naughty, naughty! So, let's find out: Set a personal goal that, after you stop reading here and next sally forth into life, you will do so with absolutely NO expectations of what should happen, must happen, or even could happen, and then watch what does happen. I will ruin the surprise: You will handle whatever flavor pops up just fine and will have more fun doing so. See why it's silly and unnecessary?
To take it a step further, and really prove to yourself that your ego-self is not in charge of what is going on in your experiences, try this: The next time you would normally do something that you normally do, such as brush your teeth or ask someone, "What's for dinner?" just refuse to do it and then see what happens. Again, I will ruin the surprise for you: It will just happen! You will find yourself suddenly brushing your teeth, or the answer as to what is for dinner will "appear" to you anyway. This is a very Twilight Zone experience in and of itself, so be prepared to have your universe shaken up! But now you will know why it is silly and unnecessary to think that your expectations are critical to the unfolding of your life.
Note: If you have read this book sequentially and applied as we went along you will understand what I am about to say to you: You cannot deliberately manifest life by expectation, but only by implantation. So, either do it right and utilize Primary Domino Thinking as it should be used, OR just mentally sit back and enjoy the parade of life without any expectations.
A True Story
Just to really make this point! As I was writing this chapter on the road while conducting a New England book tour for Primary Domino Thinking, my beautiful, intelligent, meticulous travel arranger and wife, Amy, had booked us into a wonderful Atlantic beachside bed & breakfast in Gloucester, Massachusetts. We arrived in the dark around 7:30 p.m., exhausted after driving all day from a signing in New Hampshire, looking forward to a three day mini-vacation on the gorgeous coast of New England. Amy had her heart set on this particular bed & breakfast as it was a place she had vacationed fondly with her parents when she was 15 — so this was the highlight of the trip for her.
We rang the bell on the porch of this lovely Victorian with our baggage in hand. A lady finally answered the door with a look of surprise, then dismay, on her face when we told her our name. "I was afraid this was going to happen," she exclaimed, then informed us that she had given our room away 45 minutes ago because she thought we were not going to show up (despite our reserving with a credit card!). My wife was extremely crushed by the news. But it got worse.
The woman gently continued, "And I don't know how to tell you this, but all of the motels in the area are full." Now, I was crushed!
"What do you suggest we do?" I asked trying to keep an even voice.
"Well," she says, "there is a young couple who are working on their home to convert part of it into a B&B. They aren't listed in the guides but they have taken overflows before in an emergency. It's a nice place. I'll give them a call, then I'll have to drive you over because you'll never find it in the dark." [She was right about that!]
As we are following the woman's through the darkened, twisting, unmarked streets of Gloucester, Amy is inconsolable. We haven't eaten, we're disappointed, tired, and have no idea where we are going to be spending the next three days or with whom. We were fairly silent except for one of my "good husband" attempts at cheering things up — probably a waste of breath at a time like this. Although I strongly believe that "things work out" one must also fully feel one's feelings that are legitimate at the time — and we had no shortage of those. But that's part of the human experience, isn't it?
It turns out that the couple is at a local restaurant (turns out it is the only one in that area that is open), and the woman ahead of us has located them by calling on a cellular phone, so takes us there, turning us over with a quick good-bye to these people (whom we do not know) in a parking lot. We are invited to join this delightful party going on in celebration of one couple's anniversary in the group, then proceed to have a delicious dinner of lobster and clams with some of the best mashed potatoes known to humankind!
"You'll have to follow us to the house," they informed us, as you will never find it from here in the dark." [They were right about that!] We followed them through more dark and twisty streets to a privately gated neighborhood, which at the next day's sunrise we discovered was on the beautiful East Bay with a view of the lighthouse!
As we are walking though the spacious 6000 square foot home and up the stairs to our room we cannot help but notice the numerous gold and platinum record albums hanging on the walls. We unpack our bags in a large room with a wonderful woodburning fireplace.
Well, to shorten the story: We spent three nights and two delightful days as guests of David Brown and his lovely girlfriend at their B&B. David is the former lead guitarist of 11 years with Billy Joel and was a performer with Simon & Garfunkel, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, Julian Lennon, and others. David now has his own recording studio and is self-producing solo albums of some of the most beautiful guitar music (of which I am grateful to have a copy) I have ever heard. We became friends and have since gone back to visit, staying in David's home.
I am only upset because I have the audacity to think I should know what happens next.
Continue...
|
|
